Which 2022 Kentucky Derby horse has the dumbest name?

The Kentucky Derby means many different things to people. For some, it might be the only time of year they bet on a horse race. For others, it’s an excuse to visit Kentucky and make a weekend of it. For me it’s all about two things: Drinking bourbon, and laughing at horse names.

Since we can’t drink bourbon together in an internet text-based medium, let’s instead dive in and rank the best (aka stupidest) horse names from the field this year.

No. 1: Cyberknife (20-1)

I don’t know what a “cyberknife” is, but I’m fairly certain it’s something Elon Musk will debut in the next three years. I like to imagine it’s some kind of technology augmented hunting knife that will cauterize a wound while cutting someone, but more than likely be used to do coke off in the restroom of a Brooklyn gastropub.

No. 2: Classic Causeway (30-1)

I’m so sick of all these modern causeways with their new construction techniques and safety measures. I miss when we used to build classic causeways, with our hands, that would flood and cause huge motoring delays.

No. 3: Tiz The Bomb (30-1)

How do you do, fellow kids?

No. 4: Summer is Tomorrow (30-1)

This horse scares me. If you spend time under its equine spell you are locked in a perpetual endless spring. “When will it be summer?” You ask, beach bag packed and vacation plans made — but it just never comes, because summer is tomorrow, always.

No. 5: Pioneer of Medina (30-1)

This is how you give a horse a complex. Medina, a city in Saudi Arabia, loosely translates to “The Enlightened City,” in a religious context. So, if you’re the pioneer of religious enlightenment then you’re God. This horse is literally being called God — still only 30-1 to win.

No. 6: Smile Happy (20-1)

This horse was so much better than its brother, Frown Sad, who died penniless and alone.

No. 7: Happy Jack (30-1)

This is extremely presumptuous, and dare I say, likely a lie. I’m sure Jack would be much happier if he got to frolic the prairies instead of running around a dirty track with a tiny man on his back.

No. 8: Tawny Port (30-1)

Completely unnecessary. Who needs tawny port when you have bourbon?

No. 9: Barber Road (30-1)

Most people don’t know that in the early 1800s a group of barbers banded together in Boston to overthrow the local constabulary. That’s a lie, but you wouldn’t be surprised if it was real … right?

No. 10: Charge It (20-1)

It’s your phone, speaking to you.

As for the rest of this list, I don’t think there’s anything really funny. Your mileage may vary though, so if you have a strong argument for any of these leftover horses, please let me know.

  • Mo Donegal
  • Epicenter
  • Messier
  • Crown Pride
  • Zandon
  • Taiba
  • Simplification
  • White Abarrio
  • Zozos
  • Ethereal Road

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