The Kentucky Derby means many different things to people. For some, it might be the only time of year they bet on a horse race. For others, it’s an excuse to visit Kentucky and make a weekend of it. For me it’s all about two things: Drinking bourbon, and laughing at horse names.
Since we can’t drink bourbon together in an internet text-based medium, let’s instead dive in and rank the best (aka stupidest) horse names from the field this year.
No. 1: Cyberknife (20-1)
I don’t know what a “cyberknife” is, but I’m fairly certain it’s something Elon Musk will debut in the next three years. I like to imagine it’s some kind of technology augmented hunting knife that will cauterize a wound while cutting someone, but more than likely be used to do coke off in the restroom of a Brooklyn gastropub.
No. 2: Classic Causeway (30-1)
I’m so sick of all these modern causeways with their new construction techniques and safety measures. I miss when we used to build classic causeways, with our hands, that would flood and cause huge motoring delays.
No. 3: Tiz The Bomb (30-1)
How do you do, fellow kids?
No. 4: Summer is Tomorrow (30-1)
This horse scares me. If you spend time under its equine spell you are locked in a perpetual endless spring. “When will it be summer?” You ask, beach bag packed and vacation plans made — but it just never comes, because summer is tomorrow, always.
No. 5: Pioneer of Medina (30-1)
This is how you give a horse a complex. Medina, a city in Saudi Arabia, loosely translates to “The Enlightened City,” in a religious context. So, if you’re the pioneer of religious enlightenment then you’re God. This horse is literally being called God — still only 30-1 to win.
No. 6: Smile Happy (20-1)
This horse was so much better than its brother, Frown Sad, who died penniless and alone.
No. 7: Happy Jack (30-1)
This is extremely presumptuous, and dare I say, likely a lie. I’m sure Jack would be much happier if he got to frolic the prairies instead of running around a dirty track with a tiny man on his back.
No. 8: Tawny Port (30-1)
Completely unnecessary. Who needs tawny port when you have bourbon?
No. 9: Barber Road (30-1)
Most people don’t know that in the early 1800s a group of barbers banded together in Boston to overthrow the local constabulary. That’s a lie, but you wouldn’t be surprised if it was real … right?
No. 10: Charge It (20-1)
It’s your phone, speaking to you.
As for the rest of this list, I don’t think there’s anything really funny. Your mileage may vary though, so if you have a strong argument for any of these leftover horses, please let me know.
- Mo Donegal
- Crown Pride
- White Abarrio
- Ethereal Road